doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized