Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
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Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done