I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
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wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.