Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
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I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”