I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
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Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Finally a use for spoilers…
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.