ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
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daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
anyone else like Italian cereal
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’