I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
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“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.