me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
You Might Also Like
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
🙀🙀🙀😹
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
#Caturday
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
want me to check your oil?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”