*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
You Might Also Like
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.