“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
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her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?