I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
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Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Autocarrot sucks!