*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
You Might Also Like
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
This will teach them to underestimate me
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Bond. Trauma bond.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit