I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
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Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.