Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
You Might Also Like
(Jupiter –
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
😂😂
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.