[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
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Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
FRED: right
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him