Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
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*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
black phone good