You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
My birth announcement for our third baby
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)