I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
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Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse