To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
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My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth