You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
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Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
*watches the world burn*
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
🤣🤣🤣
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.