It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
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*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”