Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
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We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Aw man, but that’s the best part
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
This is a bad sign
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.