Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone