Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
You Might Also Like
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
As the Lord intended
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month