[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
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This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Try and stop me.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.