“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
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This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”