When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
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[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Lmbo
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats