Gemma Correll
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If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.