Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
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Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I never needed anything more in my life
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Well, this is awkward
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet