the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.