[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
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Extremely relatable.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Seas the day!!!!
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??