Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
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Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Follow me for more recipes
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.