You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
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Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)