I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
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Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.