For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
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Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
spot the difference
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?