the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
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contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.