Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
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If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.