Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
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if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.