According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
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Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Finally! 😈
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]