You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
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The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Sex so good you see dead people.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins