How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
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[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.