Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
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Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.