My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
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me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I