The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
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Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
*serious situation*
My brain:
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.