tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
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Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret