Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
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Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It鈥檚 like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Good news, I don鈥檛 have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 馃き
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can鈥檛 even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
work smarter, not harder
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he鈥檚 just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
i love nature 馃檪 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn鈥檛 have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.