Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”