And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
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[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Facebook memories be like
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
The French word for sex is croissant.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING