Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
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I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok