It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
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In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.